Day 1: Project Darwin (and the chamber of secrets)

No sooner had we been given the task of outing the (no doubt dastardly) plans of the now infamous Digital Window, it became apparant this was not going to be easy.

Within hours of “Ze Mole” taking up camp outside DW HQ he reported back his report with “nothing to report“.

Dammit!

This wasn’t going to be easy at all. We would have to be sneaky.

Back at “the” HQ, I was busy finding out as much about Digital Window as my extensive contacts and connections would allow. The one thing I remember from my days at Spy Universitywas “Know Your Mark”. I dont remember much else to be honest, Bacardi Breezers were on 2 for 1 at the Student Union bar……

It wasn’t long before I found an extensive List of Digital Window High Ranking Personnel. Excellent, Names and Faces. I’ll have to forward this back to “Ze Mole” so he know’s who he’s stalking.

And right there on the page, carefully hidden deep between the lines, was my first clue.

I was lucky to spot it. It’s so subtle, only a trained spy type investigative person like myself would notice:

Charles Darwin becomes a Director of Affiliate Window

Sneaky, hiding it like that.

So what are they planning, what is “Project Darwin“? I need to break this clue down:

Darwin “was an English Naturalist”, so it’s obviously somthing Nudey.

He had a beard and you can’t trust beards.

So what’s naked and has a beard?

Amanda Beard got Naked for a PETA advert could it be that? No, surely not, what evil could they be concocting using a nekid Olympian?

Maybe they’re breeding Naked Bearded Olympians, to take over the 2012 London Olympics.

No, that can’t be right. It’s too obvious.

This Document contains a wealth of information on the agent known as “Charles Darwin” and suggests that Darwin did not always have a beard, although he was always in Black and White and on occassion had wierd staring eyes. No clues there then.

Charles Darwin was the inventor of and holds the patent to Evolution. Before him, every living thing was created by God in his own image. “the” believes God still works today, but since the invention of Evolution, he is forced to work in mysterious ways.

So what is this Evolution as invented by Charles Darwin?

We have had surveillence teams tap Charles Darwin’s iPhone and hack his googlemail account. We have recordings of a discussion on Evolutionary Theory with “Dr” David Hall, a high ranking commander at Digital Window. Excert of the transcript:

Hall: So what is it Charlie? How can I explain it to the troops in ways they’ll understand?

Darwin: It is an all encompassing theorum that rocked the then known World and all religions contained within. All mankind was and is still affected by this revelation.

Darwin: Basically David, Evo, as I call it now, took my whole life to understand. Even after my death on 19th of April 1882, I was still trying to fully comprehend the enormaties of my theorum.

Hall: That doesn’t answer my question, what is Evolution?

Darwin: Ok, basically, we were this wierd green slime, then we were a fish that grew some legs and became a monkey. That monkey learnt to talk and communicate, and make spoons. Because it had a spoon, it could eat Cornflakes, instead of just Bananas so we came out of the trees, stood upright and invented the wheel and some fire. We built houses out of cardboard and sold them at ridiculous prices. Mankind has since begun its own De-volution by forgetting how to talk properly, and txtin ech othr. Evolution now has the potential to wipe out humanity. ROFLMAO.

Hall: Crikey! I thought it was the process of change in all forms of life over generations by process of natural and un-natural selection.

Darwin: That’s what I said.

The contents of intercepted emails passed back and forth between the mysterious Darwin and officials at Digital Window are all in txt spk, which is undecypherable by our usual methods. “the” boffins have sent out for a chav in hope he can translate. However finding one who can speak proper, like what the Queen does, is proving difficult. Many have already had to be put down, which by it’s very nature, is Evolution in practice.

Posted: July 7th, 2009 under Journal.
Tags: darwin